Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Sometimes when I look at you, I love you so much I have to look away. But when you wake me up for the third time in the pitch black of night, I feel a bit put out. Maybe you are confusing me with a 24 hour diner. Maybe you are simply uninformed.

*

Dear Baby,

When I change your diaper in the morning, I am not trying to kill you. When I pick the giant boogers out of your nose, I am not trying to kill you. When I strap you into the car-seat, I am not trying to kill you.

*

Dear Baby,

This may be a good time to tell you that I’m not going to be one of those mamas who tolerates all your teenage shenanigans. If you bring home a girl who misuses the word “literally” and says things like “OMG I am, like, so fat,” she’s out.

*

Dear Baby,

I’m sorry this sometimes happens.

*

Dear Baby,

Unless you would like to learn sign language, I suggest you stop shrieking into my ear. I am going deaf.

*

Dear Baby,

I think you are the bees knees. Yesterday when you spent an entire hour lying next to me, talking and laughing, my heart swelled like a water balloon. It was like we were long lost college roommates. Please keep this up. I much prefer it to your angry teething monster face.

*

Dear Baby,

I wonder if you think your dad is a flaming hipster with all that beard and shag hair.

Don’t worry, he’s just lazy.

*

Dear Baby,

Did I ever tell you about the time I almost dropped you coming down the stairs?

Oh right, you were there. Sorry about that.

*

Dear Baby,

I’m starting to worry you may be getting an overinflated ego. Not a moment goes by without someone telling you how handsome/cute/perfect/smart/adorable you are. This may be a problem when you are five and demanding a butler.

*

Dear Baby,

I’d like to believe your dad and I are pretty tolerant.

You want to write poetry? Awesome.

You want to play football? I’ll be there.

You want to climb mountains? We’ll support you.

You want to be gay? I don’t care!

 

You want to buy a motorcycle? ….Absolutely not.

Love,

Mom

***

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32 comments

  1. It’ll be a whole new ball game once he can talk :) Plus, the first time he calls you “mom/mommy/ma/mama” your water ballon heart just might pop.

  2. totally with you on the motorcycle. little miss A is not allowed on one, or even near boys that think their the shit because they own one. (excuse my language?) i’m glad to know WT will not be one of those boys.

    1. i can not believe i’ve accidentally misused “their, they’re, there” on YOUR blog of all places. how embarrassing. i, of course, meant THEY’RE. my deepest apology.

      1. While intimidating people grammatically is one of my hobbies, you are granted immunity because a) I love you and b) your brain is filled with baby–as is mine. I think I’m becoming increasingly dumber.

        1. Suz totally gets a pass on the grammar. You get a giant pass for the whole first year of your baby’s life. p.s. Suz, I am Bec’s cousin and we met at her baby shower, I am not just crazy creepy.

  3. I stumbled across your blog from my newsfeed from Facebook. This made me laugh out loud, very funny :) Thanks for the laugh. You’re son is so cute by the way.

  4. I want to say 2 things:

    1) Thank you for having a blog that is so easy to comment on. No pop out box! No email required! Nothing.

    2) I agree with JJ–this must happen again.

    1. ohh hey louisa!

      kate, this is my friend louisa! she reads your blog and loves it.

      i think i’ve done enough commenting for today.

  5. this post is so great!
    and I completely agree w/ the motorcycle thing.
    I think ice hockey falls under that “absolutely not” for me too.

  6. Dear Baby,

    You know how you dump all the toys out of their baskets, just to watch them crash? And then I step on a stegosaurus and fall to the floor in agony? And then you lie on top of me and implore, “Happened, Mommy? Happened?” As though you were innocent in it all?

    Let’s work on that.

  7. I love this! I especially like the one with the baby in the basket under the tree :P And the one about the stairs…. o_O Carrying around a 20lb 5 month old, I think I’ve lost my balance a couple of times the last few weeks.

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